edit: Oh what the hell. I'll paste the whole thing
The following definitions are from the Washington Post Style Invitational (a weekly contest for readers). The idea of this one is simply to redefine words from the dictionary - no added or changed letters
Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly - adj., impotent.
Flabbergasted - adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph - v. To walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle-n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you arerun over by a steamroller.
Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude - n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent - n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.