Everybody's twittering or facebooking these days and LJ has fallen off the wayside all around. When you start to embellish on the minutia, I think you lose focus of the bigger picture or the..I guess I'll call it the "landscape of our lives". We no longer seem to have a story to tell. Instead what we have is lots of little raindrops but no pool. For me, though, I just don't LJ, and never have, because nothing of significance happens to me.
But there was that one thing. My longtime drinking buddy, Paisano2K killed himself. If you're a longtime diabetic and you skip 4 days of insulin, what else could you call it but suicide? Most of the people I know who've heard about it expressed anger instead of loss. We all hated him as much as we loved him because he was just full of shenanigans. People full of shenanigans piss us off but when they're not pissing us off, we can have a lot of fun around them. Until you've had enough.
The weirdest thing, and I don't know about you, or if it's just cuz I'm an egotist, is that I found myself wondering about MY position at the funeral. Is that crazy? I found myself waiting to see if anyone would pay special notice to ME. I guess what we, or I, want to know is, did we have some kind of impact on this person's life? Did we have enough of an impact that after 8 years, his mother would remember us? Of course I'd be most closest to lesbican sister, swimming in the same circles and all. What we, what I, want to know is, Did we waste all that time together? What we, what I, want to know is, can I validate myself?
I never revealed myself to mother and stepfather til that final moment where you pass the family and express your sympathies on your way out of the cemetary. I said I dont know if you remember me but my name is Felipe. She cleared her eyes of her sadness to actually focus on my face, as did her husband, and she said yes yes of course she remembered me, and she held me tight and close as her husband held my hand. She offered ME comfort.
Things like this happen and I wind up hating myself, or at the very least doubting. I walk away thinking why am I such a shitty person? When Jeb passed away I choked up some but I was fully prepared for his death at least a full year, year and a half, because he TOLD me he was dying. The slow walk, the lesions he refused to show people, well, he was a zombie already.
Paisano died and I just wished I could feel more than I did. Some folks said oh you just don't have a public grieving face. They're like that too, they just bottle up their feelings. I've been an out of sight out of mind character for a while because I just move on, you know, and Paisano had been away for most of my sobriety, which will be 9 years in June. I chalked it up to that. Better that than to admit what I've been telling myself for a very long time. I have trouble grieving because 9 years ago, I died, And that was the week Paisano died for me too.