On some subconscious level I kind of knew what was wrong. So I told him. I said, All I Need is a Good Dance. and I meant it.
I'd gotten into a bit of a routine. Partly because if I'm dancing, I can't socialize. The other part because I really just haven't liked the music at the clubs. Sure, I love Filthy Rich, but Rain just doesn't have the dancefloor to be a real club. It's a bar with a light-up afterthought. The irony is that my socializing has been mostly standing around watching everyone else socializing and nodding my head every once in a while so the person I was listening to could get some feedback. Doubling the irony is that I have met more people on the dancefloor than standing around with the S&M crowd.
I went to Elysium last night. I was hot, tired, miserable, sweaty. I made snide comments about pathetic people dancing to the same music every weekend for 30 years. Stan asked me to come out to dance with him so I went through the motions. He kept talking to me, a little inebriated, sweaty cheeks continually pressing against mine as he spoke to me so that I could hear. It was kind of sexy, but not in a sexual way. It was a rare moment of merely accidentally intentional intimacy, something I suppose I've been starved for but have adamantly refused to engage in.
Because I am bitter. I am Broken. I have no Joy in my life.
and then. And Then.
"I would like a place I could call my own
Have a conversation on the telephone
Wake up every day that would be a start
I would not complain of my wounded heart"
New Order's Regrets came on. When those lyrics came on, I felt uplifted. I sang. I moved. I became one of those pathetic 42 year old who's been dancing to the same music for 30 years.
I blinked back tears. I looked at Stan because he was oblivious to what was going on in my head. He was experiencing what I was experiencing but without any effort. I guess alcohol helps.
In 20 days I will have my 10th sober birthday. I still go out every weekend and sometimes, if I care to, when people ask why do I still go out, I explain that I keep going out because even broken and bitter and joyless, I have hope for just one moment like this.
"I was a short fuse
Burning all the time
You were a complete stranger
Now you are mine"